My first day as a newly certified massage therapist involved 8 hours of non-stop massage work on extremely out-of-shape people. My hands shortly began to become congested and numb. My whole body felt drained and sick. The only way I made it through that day was to pound my hands against the wall, which restored some feeling to them and slap my face in between appointments. The next day, totally drained, I felt this wasn't going to work out and I would have to quit. I knew I had to do something or I wasn't even going to make it to the end of the session.

When the next appointment arrived, just to remove myself mentally from the situation, I tried to put myself into a meditative state during the session by incorporating a number of martial arts techniques I had been studying. I began integrating my body motions with my breathing and the movement of my Chi (the inner energy). I imagined drawing this energy up from the ground, centering it and pushed it out through my hands into the person I was working on. That day, an amazing transformation occurred: not only had the problems of the previous day completely disappeared, but I found myself tremendously energized.

During the weeks and months and years that followed of almost full time work with this energy, I began to feel my hands extending into the people with whom I was working, often finding dark areas that were resisting the flow of energy. The most exhilarating experiences were when I would find myself resonating in harmony with the person with whom I was working. During these sessions it seemed that we would open up together psychically, dropping our masks, permitting the energy which I was directing to release the blockage. Sometimes, the person showed no outward reaction. Sometimes a smile was all that betrayed an intimate shared experience. Then there are the times that the release was accompanied by an overwhelming flood of emotions where seemingly forgotten memories rushed out accompanied by soul-wrenching catharsis. So began my training as a Shaman.

My first experience with this effect was unusual and startling. The person I was working with erupted into uncontrollable and riotous laughter that lasted over 15 minutes. Laughter as we all know is contagious. So soon I was laughing along with her not knowing why. When we were both able to talk again I asked her what had been so funny. The answer wiped any remaining smile from my face. She said that she had never been able to remember anything that had happened to her before she was twelve and that during the work many memories from that period of her life surfaced that she wanted to share. She began to recount many instances of brutal physical and sexual abuse suffered at the hands of her father and step father. The complete dichotomy between her laughter and these memories left me dumbstruck and unable to be as supportive as I should have been. I now understand that the form of the release sometimes has little relationship with the cause.

Regardless of the way the release would come, I could always sense a new lightness in the person as if a great weight had been removed.

I have since come to realize that while the brain may hold our logic centers, the body contains our emotional baggage. When a part of the body becomes bruised and stiff, it teaches us through pain to avoid it and limp around on the other limb. While this helps the area to heal immediately after the trauma if the area is not stretched and used again, it will limit of cripple us. With emotional shocks, the underlying bruises stay with us on a psychic level long after the surface manifestations have gone. Often the event is forgotten, but the trauma continues to haunt, changing the way we interact with others and holding us back from our potential.

This results in a vicious cycle of inner programming which forces us to unconsciously react to situations and other people in unhealthy ways. It seems almost magical how many people keep getting involved with the same types of negative people over and over. This programming starts early in life greatly influenced by our caretakers and reinforced throughout our lives by our friends, co-workers and lovers. If our growing years were full of negative feedback: "No's" and "You're not good enough to do that" "You'll fail" You'll never amount to anything." "You haven"t a chance." "watch out you're go to get sick." then as adults we become overly defensive making it hard to get close to others. We also tend unconsciously to seek people who are similar to our caretakers in order to fulfil the unmet nurturing needs of our childhood. We are drawn to people who throw off the same types of negativity and who can most effectively push all our buttons. If the caretakers were violent, emotionally or sexually abusive, the damage is even more profound and the merry-go-round even harder to get off of.

We can never undo the history of who we are, but there is a way off the Merry-Go-Round. The path to freedom and our true selves is within us now. It begins by remembering and becoming conscious of our bodies and the reasons for its emotional pain. It continues with being able to understand and integrate the traumas putting them on the mantelpiece of our memory. Here, it will always be, but its power to control our actions, sending us into endless unhealthy cycles, is ended.

For many, the traumas are not so dramatic, but we are all survivors of many traumas. The most profound happen to us when we are children and we have less power to control our environment. At this time, the trust in our caretakers has to be the greatest and its abuse is the most potentially damaging and can last throughout our lives. We cannot change our past, but we can become conscience beings who understand the needs of the last child who is still within us and not let it take control of our lives.

Our caretakers are not the only ones who can leave us with unconscious scars. A most vivid recollection I have of is of an old man who broke down and started to cry during our session and later told me of a remembrance of repeated brutal attacks by the neighborhood bully when he was five, a memory he thought that he had long ago forgotten.

Lately, I've been working with a number of people with a wide range of painful issues: a woman who was being held back from fully experiencing relationships and her sexuality by the now remembered horror of the rape by her stepfather when she was five. A woman who thought that she had buried memories of the death of her son hours after his birth, realizing this repression carried an immense price.

One of the most amazing transformative experiences I've witnessed was a woman who during the course of our work got in touch with the horror of incest and extreme physical abuse she suffered as a child. The released experience erupted from her through prolonged screaming and repeated dry vomiting of the ugliest, darkest psychic poison I've ever felt. The experience continued for a long time with waves of her released despair, fear, pain and angry flowing through me as I steered and maintained the flow. When we finally finished, the woman who rose from the table appeared to be 20 years younger than when we started. As we talked about the experience, she told me how light she felt and how she was now breathing freely for the first time. Over the months that followed, she continued her transformation by getting out of an abusive long-term relationship and changing her career to one she really enjoyed.

Most transformative experiences are not as dramatic and happen over a number of sessions. The forms that the release takes are as varied as the individuals themselves. I have seen outward reactions range from crying, screaming, vomiting to uncontrollable laughter, and outpouring of immense joy. The outward manifestations of the release while varying greatly in content are all quite familiar and very human means of letting go and purging ourselves.

I do not call myself a healer as I believe that all true healing comes from within us and that only we can be our own healers. The best I can do is help free the power within. The transformative experiences I've described here and many more like them are the GREAT triumphs of people who have had the courage to face the most difficult thing in the world, our true selves. I only act as a channel for this healing energy and am truly humbled to be a witness to a person's transformation. However, I will always be deeply grateful for finding this path and having been placed in a situation where necessity made me work with this energy full time for many years. With that said, let me add in great measure what an amazing totally joyful experience it is.

MIRACLES, UNTOLD OF DREAMS AND RICHES ARE SURROUNDING YOU ALL NOW . ALL THAT YOU HAVE TO DO IS ACKNOWLEDGE AND OPEN YOUR INNER MIND'S EYE TO THE RICHES OF THE AGES WHICH HAVE BEEN WITHIN YOU. THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN WITH YOU. HERE INSIDE YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO LIVE ALL YOUR DREAMS, DELIGHT IN YOUR BODY

To become the person you wish to be and to draw to you appropriate, helpful people and things, you need to release the Warrior inside. A Warrior knows that this life could end at any moment and that there is no time for confusion or negativity. We must be free, in control. To do this requires eliminating the unconscious programming from our past and act as the Warrior even if when we start don't feel powerful or in control. Believe me it will follow.

Through a system of touch, thought and love, we will work at removing energy blocks caused by stress, abuse and fear that prevent us from becoming the beautiful, whole people we are.

Healing The Inner Warrior Retreat, Winter 1994

The Staff